Time is such a difficult construct for me to define. I still feel very close to Dustin as if he were just on hospice last week or last month. Some how, two and half years have passed since since he died which feels like a lifetime ago. I feel like the same girl who married the cute boy. But I’m not that girl anymore. I started out wanting to write about our experience with brain cancer. I wanted our love, our tragedy, our adventure to be witnessed. I wanted others who are in a similar situation to feel less alone, to maybe find hope or guidance. I wanted to find myself and the meaning of it all.
I started writing and I have shared a lot of our initial story. But I found it to be a bit painful and overwhelming. I needed to take a break. I needed to change my focus. I honestly don’t know if I’ve found more focus or just let my squirrelly brain do whatever the fuck it did for the past year. Either way, time remains very strange to me and I am in a much different headspace these days.
Much has changed since Dustin rudely died. I bought our condo we lived in for the past 10 years. I threw myself into remodeling the whole thing by myself. A few months later, we had a catastrophic rain storm which flooded my entire basement and all the hard work I had done was ruined. I fell head over heels down the stairs breaking the shit out of my leg. That required a week in the hospital and surgery to reconstruct my ankle with a plate, 8 screws, and all the ligaments. Oh and my HVAC, microwave, fridge, and dishwasher took shit and needed replacing. Spent time with friends. Did a lot therapy. Randomly found a job that I wasn’t looking for but turned out to be pretty awesome.
So yeah, a lot has happened. I’m the same but different girl. I’m finding out who I am and what is important to me. I’m figuring out how to be a better version of myself. I am putting myself back together in a hodgepodge way that feels authentic and genuine. I feel like I can take this new version of me and come back to this journey with more clarity and resiliency that I didn’t have before.
It’s been a minute. I still don’t exactly know where I’m going or what I am doing but I’m ready to find out.
Beside you in time 