Dear Dustin,
Today is Saturday February 11th, 2023. It’s kinda chilly today. It was only 25 degrees when I took Liesel out for her morning puppy business. But it’s super bright and sunny outside and should get up to about 43 degrees. Pretty warm for February all things considered. But the sunshine is incredible. Nearly all of December and January was cold and gray. I honestly don’t think I saw the sun for those two months. It was dreadful. We’ve had some sunny days this month and I have been trying to savior it when I can.
I know I usually write letters to you in a special journal. But I’ll eventually transition those letters here. The idea of writing to you came to me before you died. I remember so clearly taking a walk with you in the late fall of 2021. I think it was November. We always would take walks in the evenings before bedtime with Liesel when the weather was nice. We called them nite nite walks. Sometimes we’d take just a short walk around the block and other nights we would walk into the fancy rich people area for longer walks.
We would talk about our days or point out things in the neighborhood. We liked talking about anything and everything but we also loved sharing things we experienced without the other. We only had nite nite walks when it was warm and you felt up to it. You were very intolerant of cold weather. Which means our nite nite walks were very limited to summer and fall.
In the winter, I’d take Liesel for walks by myself. I’d often bring my phone and take photos and videos of anything of interest to share with you when we got back. Usually it was videos of Liesel clowning around or playing in the snow. Sometimes I’d text them to you if you were in your office working or I’d show you that evening after work.
That particular night it was starting to get cold. I burst into tears as we walked past the demolished Berwyn station. You asked me what was wrong. I explained, I was so scared because what if this was our last nite nite walk? What if you never got to see the new Berwyn station? What if you never got to ride on the new train tracks? You sighed and said, “well this is probably our last walk this year since we don’t do nite nite walks when it’s balls cold. But I plan on being here next summer so we can have more nite nite walks then.”
Well, that was our last nite nite walk. You wouldn’t be alive in the summer of 2022. Obviously, I miss your presence and aliveness the most. But there are so many little things that suck the joy right out of the center of my chest. Yes, I’m totally making a comparison to the dementors in Harry Potter. Get over it. That’s the best way I can describe the pain I feel. It’s right in the center of my chest, probably a little closer to my right boob if I’m being honest. But it is a soul sucking pain that makes the world go dark, makes it impossible to take a normal breath let alone a deep breath, and makes my eyes well up with spicy tears as I realize there is no more joy that you get to experience in this world, not with me, not alone, not with others. There is no more joy for you, period.
I don’t know what I believe in spiritually. I don’t think there is a higher power. I could be wrong but just seems so unrealistic. I don’t think there is a heaven or a hell. But I really, really hope that ghosts are a real thing. I mean, they probably are not but I find it comforting that you could possibly haunt me. I don’t like the thought of you being literally nothing after all this. I like the thought that you’re doing some fun ghost shit no matter if that is totally wrong or nuts. The concept of you just ceasing to exist in any capacity is just unacceptable to me. So, I choose think ghosts are a totally reasonable thing even if it feels not true.
If ghosts exist, maybe they can read my journals or maybe they can read the internets. I know sure as hell you’d haunt the mainframe. Therefore, if you can read I want to be able to share my life with you somehow. Even if you can see me and haunt me, what if I don’t know you’re there? What if you want to go haunt Nick and Caitlin and you miss something? What if you’re ghost jamming with David Bowie? Or having a ghost dinner with your dad? I want you to have a good ghost life which means you’re not going to be with me 24/7. So writing you is the most logical way to keep you informed, to share my life with you, and to make sure you know you’re still deeply and profoundly loved.
Being able to put my love for you somewhere is deeply important to me because I won’t stop loving you. I can’t just hold onto the love I have for you, it would probably kill me so I have to put it somewhere. I also don’t want it to be just sent out there willy nilly for anyone to take. That’s rude and feels like a violation. It’s important for me to be purposeful in putting my love out there specifically for you.
Clearly I’ve put way too much thought into this. But it’s important for me to learn how to live my life without you physically here. I want to carry you with me forever. I want to honor you. I don’t want to forget about you. I don’t want you to forget about me. I hope it’s a way to stay connected with you.
One of the most incredible things we were able to do together over almost 20 years is grow as individuals and as partners. It wasn’t always easy, pretty, or even seamless. It was sometimes chaotic and tumultuous. We challenged each other to be better people, to dream big, to take those scary steps towards the unknown because they would ultimately get us to our goals. I feel like we were incredibly lucky and resilient to have each other because we were able to thrive together. Not every partnership can weather the changes over the years. We did a damn good job.
But you died way too young. It’s rude but that’s the cards we were given. We were only married for 14 years. In theory, I have a lot more time to live, grow, and change. One of my biggest fears is, what if over the years I become someone you don’t recognize or even like? What does that mean when I become a ghost? I hope by writing you, carrying you with me in my heart and soul, and living my best life that also honors you that you will still be able to recognize me and love me. I want to grow with you and you with me. This is the only way I know how to try and do that. So when I become a ghost it’s like no time has passed and we can go haunt shit together.
I know, I’ve told you a lot of this when you were alive. But just reminding you of our deal. If ghosts are real, then you must haunt me and I’ll do my best to communicate with you too. I’m guessing that being a ghost isn’t super easy and you might have to go to ghost school to learn how to be a really good ghost communicator. So I’ll be patient.
I love you so very much. I miss you so very much. So does Liesel. I hope you’re doing okay where ever you are. Just remember, don’t haunt me when I’m pooping.
I love you the most, with toast, on the coast, because I’m a ghost.
xoxo
Nicole
Beside you in time 